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Sunday, April 6, 2014

This Is How Stupid It Has Become

Stolichnaya Vodka Bans Obama, Kerry and McCain From Drinking Its Product - Retaliation Of McDonald's Latest Activity

First, McDonalds announced that it was removing their restaurants from Crimea due to tensions between the U.S. and Russia causing Moscow to fire back and suggest the removal of the fast food chain. A few days back, a Mexican fast food establishment banned Vladimir Putin from its restaurant. Now, in a move seen by many insiders/specialists/idiots, Stolichnaya vodka has retaliated against the president of the U.S, Barack Obama.

From Stolichnaya's website: "Due to conflict between the two nations, and the recent lashing carried out by fatty establishments, it is our regret to announce, that Smirnoff will effectively ban any purchase or consumption of our product by the president of the United States, Barack Obama. This ban will also take effect on Secretary John Kerry, senator grouch, John McCain, and senator Dan Coats for his remarks and blame towards our country for appearing at a wrong hearing. Again, this is not a complete U.S. ban but a ban on the children running the country."

Obama Administration press speaker, Jay Carney responded early calling the ban a "international crime," "regrettable" "mind numbing, speech slurring, and a sobering move."

" We are sorry to hear the recent ban, in which is most likely carried out by Moscow. For many years, Stolichnaya has offered the U.S. the intoxication needed during conflicts throughout the world. The vodka brand was a mainstay for closed/clandestine meetings and a provider of tolerating most of our wives. We hope to carry out diplomatic discussions to lift these bans as they are troubling for all fans of 80% absolutists. We call for the Russians to pressure Stolichnaya and reverse this decision," Carney said in a prepared speech.

An inside drunken source confirmed to this blog post that Obama won't be deterred and may pursue further sanctions against Russia. "The president realizes this will be devastating for John Kerry. The president doesn't drink Stolichnaya, but is a fan of fancy aging Merlot."

John McCain tweeted, " what the hell am I supposed to drink now, Zhenka?"

Neo-conservatives are calling president Obama's vodka policy "feckless, weak and an international crisis."

"How can the president expect Americans to take his vodka policy serious, when our key leaders aren't allowed to consume top shelf shit?" John Boehner said from a tanning booth.

Cabinet officials say this could further implicate troop escalation and/or a coup on the Stolichnaya factory. More on this situation as it develops.

(This could be true, but I haven't found it to be. This is a complete fictional account written by yours truly, D.S. Wood. Now, back to my shitty vodka)
Posted by D.S. Wood at 9:01 AM
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Thank You D.S. Wood

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