Stolichnaya Vodka Bans Obama, Kerry and McCain From Drinking Its Product - Retaliation Of McDonald's Latest Activity
First, McDonalds announced that it was removing their restaurants from
Crimea due to tensions between the U.S. and Russia causing Moscow to
fire back and suggest the removal of the fast food chain. A few days
back, a Mexican fast food establishment banned Vladimir Putin from its
restaurant. Now, in a move seen by many insiders/specialists/idiots,
Stolichnaya vodka has retaliated against the president of the U.S,
From Stolichnaya's website: "Due to
conflict between the two nations, and the recent lashing carried out by
fatty establishments, it is our regret to announce, that Smirnoff will
effectively ban any purchase or consumption of our product by the
president of the United States, Barack Obama. This ban will also take
effect on Secretary John Kerry, senator grouch, John McCain, and senator
Dan Coats for his remarks and blame towards our country for appearing
at a wrong hearing. Again, this is not a complete U.S. ban but a ban on
the children running the country."
Obama Administration press
speaker, Jay Carney responded early calling the ban a "international
crime," "regrettable" "mind numbing, speech slurring, and a sobering
" We are sorry to hear the recent ban, in which is most
likely carried out by Moscow. For many years, Stolichnaya has offered
the U.S. the intoxication needed during conflicts throughout the world.
The vodka brand was a mainstay for closed/clandestine meetings and a
provider of tolerating most of our wives. We hope to carry out
diplomatic discussions to lift these bans as they are troubling for all
fans of 80% absolutists. We call for the Russians to pressure
Stolichnaya and reverse this decision," Carney said in a prepared
An inside drunken source confirmed to this blog post
that Obama won't be deterred and may pursue further sanctions against
Russia. "The president realizes this will be devastating for John Kerry.
The president doesn't drink Stolichnaya, but is a fan of fancy aging
John McCain tweeted, " what the hell am I supposed to drink now, Zhenka?"
Neo-conservatives are calling president Obama's vodka policy "feckless, weak and an international crisis."
"How can the president expect Americans to take his vodka policy
serious, when our key leaders aren't allowed to consume top shelf shit?"
John Boehner said from a tanning booth.
Cabinet officials say
this could further implicate troop escalation and/or a coup on the
Stolichnaya factory. More on this situation as it develops.
(This could be true, but I haven't found it to be. This is a complete
fictional account written by yours truly, D.S. Wood. Now, back to my
Posted by D.S. Wood at 9:01 AM
Thank You D.S. Wood